


All These Beautiful Things I Can't Bear to Look At

by rosykookies



Series: And the Sun Will Rise [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes-centric, But not as OOC as Endgame!Steve, Canon Divergence - Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Cap Quartet + Bruce, Character Death Fix, Feels, Fix-It, Gen, Happy Ending, M/M, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Not Canon Compliant, POV Bucky Barnes, Pre-Relationship, Pre-Slash, Probably ooc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-14
Updated: 2020-01-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:29:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22251871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosykookies/pseuds/rosykookies
Summary: Steve would draw the livelong day away and dance with Peggy in the kitchen while they cooked dinner. After, they’d both tuck their kids snuggly into bed and then go sit under the covers and read, side-by-side, in the warm light of their bedside lamp. They’d be happy. Bucky wouldn’t deign to rob him of that. He won’t ruin things for Steve. Bucky is happy for Steve (even if he is a little sad for himself).Steve comes home to his family.
Relationships: Bruce Banner & Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes & Natasha Romanov, James "Bucky" Barnes & Sam Wilson, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Natasha Romanov & Sam Wilson
Series: And the Sun Will Rise [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1601863
Comments: 5
Kudos: 152





	All These Beautiful Things I Can't Bear to Look At

**Author's Note:**

> Finally I got around to part two. I couldn't bear to keep my boys apart. I dedicate this to Natasha Romanoff because the second trailer came out last night and I'm hyped. 
> 
> Un-beta'd.
> 
> Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended; all characters belong to the original creators.

So this is how Bucky finally loses him. Not in a shootout or because of HYDRA or because of some alien incursion but because Steve has finally realized that Bucky isn’t worth it. 

But he’s happy for him. Bucky only wants the best for Steve. He just wants Steve to be happy and healthy and safe, and if that means that Steve will have to leave then so be it. After all these years of fighting, Steve deserves to be selfish. Bucky knows that if he asked Steve to stay, Steve would. So Bucky will keep his mouth shut long enough to let Steve go. 

After all, what kind of friend—what kind of  _ man _ —would Bucky be if he stopped Steve from going back in time to be with the only person Steve had ever loved? What kind of man would he be if he guilted Steve with his stupid issues into staying in the future with him, if he forced Steve to deny himself the happy ending with Peggy he’s dreamed of since ‘43? How could Bucky claim to love Steve if he took away his chance at a normal life with a nice house and a beautiful wife and a couple of kids and a white picket fence? 

Steve would draw the livelong day away and dance with Peggy in the kitchen while they cooked dinner. After, they’d both tuck their kids snuggly into bed and then go sit under the covers and read, side-by-side, in the warm light of their bedside lamp. They’d be happy. Bucky wouldn’t deign to rob him of that. He won’t ruin things for Steve. Bucky is happy for Steve (even if he is a little sad for himself). 

Bucky only has eyes for Steve as he and Bruce talk about the mission Steve’s about to undertake. Steve’s face has aged with time and grief but his jaw still has the same mulish set it had had the day they’d met and he’s as stunning as he had been under the stars in Brooklyn all those years ago. (Bucky had gone to Brooklyn once after he had broken through his conditioning. He couldn’t see the stars anymore.)

Bruce mentions Nat and Bucky feels a pang in his stomach. He misses her something fierce. Between Bucky coming out of cryo and Thanos’ attack on Wakanda, she’d made several appearances in Steve’s frequent video calls. They’d long since hashed out their shared history and had become fast friends. She was among the handful of people Bucky trusted implicitly. Her absence felt like an abyss.

She should have been in the battle, fighting alongside all of them, clutching Tony’s hand to share the Stones’ burden. She should be here now. He knows that Natasha would’ve worked out Steve’s plan just like Bucky had. Bucky figures that Steve has been homesick for decades. Then Stark put a time machine in front of him. Steve had probably been teetering on the precipice of staying and leaving ever since the chance had been handed to him. Perhaps Natasha’s death was just the tipping point. 

Sam offers to accompany Steve on his missions to return the Stones and Thor’s hammer to their rightful times and places. Steve declines. Then he comes over to Bucky, who is not prepared for Steve’s parting words despite the fact that he’d resigned himself to Steve’s choice already. 

Steve has barely said a word to him since the battle a few days ago, other than when he, Tony, and Bruce had explained the manner of Bucky and Sam’s resurrection. The past few days have been awkward at best. Bucky and Sam spent an uncomfortable amount of time together while Tony and Bruce built a time machine to replace the one lost in Thanos’ bombings. Steve made himself scarce with the excuse that he was helping them out. At least Bucky and Sam had established themselves as Morgan’s favourite uncles, spending the days delightedly entertaining her until she wore herself out. 

Every night, Tony, Bruce and Steve returned long after the sun had gone down. Bucky had dinner with them and Pepper and Sam (because it was late enough that Morgan had already been sent to bed). Afterwards, Steve always pressed Bucky close to his chest then turned in for bed with little more than a small smile. Bucky had figured Steve’s plan out on the first night. He’s had all week to come to terms with it. 

And yet he’s still not ready when Steve tosses his own words back at him: “Don’t do anything stupid ‘til I get back.” Steve says it like it’s a joke. 

Bucky laughs because he’s expected to, but even then, it’s a sad, humourless thing. He’s so tired of this. Constantly being torn apart from Steve. In Wakanda, after Shuri had removed the trigger sequence from his mind, he’d hoped he would have a chance to settle down far away from violence and fighting and war. He’d dreamed that Steve would stay with him (though he knew the righteous bastard would never abandon a fight that needed him). 

“How can I?” Bucky replies softly. “You’re taking all the stupid with you.” 

Steve draws him into a too-short hug. There isn’t enough time to breathe in Steve’s scent and commit it to memory, to feel the warmth radiating from his skin, to feel his frame beneath his arms. 

When Steve pulls away, Bucky can’t help himself. “Gonna miss you, buddy,” he says. He’s quiet enough that neither Sam nor Bruce hear. He doesn’t want to risk them trying to stop Steve from going. Bucky can’t bear to cause that. 

Steve doesn’t look terribly surprised that Bucky is onto him. “It’s gonna be okay, Buck” Steve promises, but Bucky has known Steve long enough to recognize a bald-faced lie when he hears one. He still smiles, accepting the falsehood because he’d do just about anything for Steven Grant Rogers. 

Steve turns away from him and ascends the steps to the platform and taps his wrist. Stark’s white quantum suit forms over Steve’s regular outfit. The quantum suits are ugly but Steve still manages to look good. His hair is shorter than it had been while he was on the run but longer than it had been when they had met (again) in Washington. It sparkles golden and it’s swept back from his forehead. His eyes are dark but they shine like the sun. Bucky can’t look away. 

He drinks him in for the last time as Bruce explains that for them, it’ll only feel like five seconds. It’s cruel, Bucky thinks, for Steve to not tell his friends—his  _ family _ —what he’s about to do. Bruce and Sam will be panicking when Steve misses his mark. Tony and Pepper, who are having a well-deserved lie-in didn’t even get to see him after dinner the night before. Bucky will have to explain to them what Steve has decided to do. 

Bruce asks for confirmation that Steve will come back to this spot. “You bet,” Steve assures him, his helmet forming around his head. 

Bruce counts down then hits a button. Steve shrinks and dematerializes in a flash. Bruce begins a second countdown to bring Steve back but Bucky is already turning, beating a hasty retreat back to Tony’s cabin. He vaguely hears Sam calling his name. He doesn’t listen. He keeps walking. He feels like he’s submerged in the deep, cold, bottomless ocean. Sound is muffled like water has flooded his ears.

Bucky numbly mulls over what to do next. Pepper and Tony had only offered them lodging so that they could finish the mission with the Stones. Would the Starks offer him a bed for the night or would he have to find somewhere else to stay for the night? If Sam is also leaving, he might ask Bucky to stay in a hotel room with him. Bucky can’t stand the thought of seeing Sam right now, not when he knows that Sam would try to comfort him and bond with him over their shared loss.

Should he call a cab or borrow one of Tony’s cars? Should he hike his way back to the city or get in touch with someone to come get him?  _ Who would, though, _ he thinks. His only friends left in this world are Shuri and T’Challa who are sure to be busy in Wakanda, and (maybe) Sam and Bruce who are several yards behind him already. Pepper and Tony have been unexpectedly kind to him (Tony’s kindness is even more surprising given their rocky history, though they’ve managed to reconcile enough that the air is no longer thick with hostility between them. Also, Morgan taking a shine to him is certainly helping Tony like him more). 

Bucky doesn’t know what to do. He keeps his eyes down and his hands dug into his pockets as he walks. In his peripheral, the lake shimmers. Light shines through the leaves and casts pretty shadows on the green grass. He doesn’t want to think about beautiful things. 

He’s been walking long enough that the hole ripped in him is beginning to register. All this time, he’s been numb to the pain the way he’s been when shock had set in in the wake of a bad injury. He’s coming up on the house now. He doesn’t want to tell Tony and Pepper what’s happened, and he hopes that Morgan won’t ask him where Uncle Steve is because he can’t bear to explain to her that he’s never coming back. That will make it all too real, he thinks, having to spell it out in clear, unequivocal terms, leaving no room for doubt, that Steve is gone forever. 

He’s dreading the moment he has to set foot back in the Starks’ house; he’s dreading what he’ll have to say to them, he’s dreading the ambiguity of his future, he’s dreading going on in a world void of Steve Rogers. 

And then—

A hand grasps Bucky’s shoulder, jerking him to a halt. He almost thinks its Sam but the hand is too large and warm and familiar. But he doesn’t turn, too unwilling to let his fragile hopes be broken. 

“I’ve been calling your name,” the person says. Bucky knows that voice. He knows it intimately. That voice has saved him a million, billion times, not just from HYDRA but from himself. It kept him safe in the Brooklyn winters before the war, and it kept him sane after long days working at the docks. It hasn’t changed one bit. The voice envelops him like he’s sinking into a pool on a hot summer’s day, warm and inviting, washing away his cares. “Didn’t you hear me?” The voice is begging him to turn around. 

Why is Steve here? Why is he here instead of with Peggy? Peggy Carter was beautiful and smart as a whip and never afraid to keep Steve in line. If anyone was worthy of Steve Rogers, it was her. So why is Steve abandoning his dream woman and his dream life? 

_ Oh _ , Bucky realizes.  _ Guilt _ . It’s obvious once he knows it. Steve came back out of guilt. Was it because he couldn’t leave the world behind because of all the damage that’s been wrought? Because there’s billions of people in need of help readjusting and reintegrating into the new world? Because he knew that there’d be some new threat that would face this world and he could never back down from a fight? Or was it because of a slip of Bucky’s mask? Had a little too much emotion spilled over when he’d bid Steve goodbye? 

“What are you doing here?” Bucky mutters, still not turning. 

“What does that mean?” Steve asks. “I left, returned the Stones and Thor’s hammer, and then I came back just like I was supposed to.”

Bucky shakes his head and wonders why Steve thinks he can fool him. “But you weren’t going to. Come back, I mean.”

Steve is silent for a long moment. Then: “I thought about it.” He sighs. “I thought about it really hard for these last few days. Since Tony figured out how to make time travel work. And then I thought about it once we got everyone back, too. And finally...I decided that I need to stay here.”

“Because there’s work to be done?”

“Because my family is here,” Steve tells him gently. “Will you turn around?” 

Bucky finds himself turning before he can even convince himself not to. 

Steve is young and beautiful, a little bit dirtier than when he had left, but he’s safe and he’s unharmed and he’s  _ here _ . His arm falls down to grip Bucky’s upper arm, and his other hand comes to rest just above Bucky’s metal elbow. 

“You could’ve had everything you ever wanted,” Bucky murmurs, not looking at Steve’s face. The quantum suit has been retracted into its casing. The star on Steve’s chest is winking at him. 

“You mean Peggy?” Steve asks. “Peggy moved on. Had a husband and kids, founded S.H.I.E.L.D., had a happy life. And I have everything I need right here. Besides, we didn’t even know each other that long. You and me, though? I can’t even remember the time  _ before _ I knew you.” 

Bucky wants to smile, to accept Steve’s words and welcome him back with open arms. But. “But you explained to me how this time travel thing works,” he says. “If you went back and changed the past, it wouldn’t change this future. It would just make an alternate timeline.”

“That’s true,” Steve admits. “And I did see her—in the past, I mean. In the 70s. First when I was stealing a Stone and then when I was returning it. The first time, I didn’t say anything because we had a job to do. But the second time...I knocked on her door, she opened it, saw me, and then pointed a gun straight at my face.” Steve’s lips turn up in a fond smile. “I gave her a pretty bare-bones explanation, and then I asked her to dance with me because I figured I still owed her one. And then I came home.”

“Why didn’t you stay?”

“I think she woulda sent me packin’ even if I’d wanted to stay. She’s got a lot more common sense than the both of us combined. Anyways...I didn’t stay because I don’t want that life.”

Bucky’s eyes flick up, meeting Steve. There is determination there, and a stubbornness that has not wavered since Bucky met him. But there is also exhaustion, and a plea for Bucky to believe him, to understand him and to know that his words ring true. 

“You made a promise to me after my mom’s funeral,” Steve continues. “You told me you were with me ‘til the end of the line. I made the same promise back on the helicarrier. And I meant it. I’m not breaking that promise.”

“If you’re here out of obligation—” Bucky tries. 

Steve’s answering groan is both frustrated and sad. “I’m not,” he insists. “I’m here because this is where I want to be. If there was some other place and time I wanted to be, that’s where I would have gone.” 

Something else occurs to Bucky. “Why didn’t you talk to me about it?” he questions. “About leaving or staying. You said you’ve been thinking all these days; I’ve been back almost a week and you’ve barely said a word.”

Steve at least has the good sense to look ashamed as he shrugs and lowers his eyes briefly. “I knew if I talked to you, I’d end up telling you about all this. And I didn’t want you influencing my decision.”

Bucky bristles. What kind of man does Steve think he is? Surely Steve doesn’t think that Bucky is someone would selfishly keep him when he knew he would be happier elsewhere? He voices this to Steve: “Steve, I figured out what you were doing on our first night back. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to change your mind. I wouldn’t have made you stay. I thought you’d know that.”

“I  _ did _ know that,” Steve agrees. “I knew you’d tell me to go. Sam probably would’ve, too, if I explained it to him. But I needed to know what  _ I _ wanted.” He pauses. “I mean it. This is what I want. Okay?”

Bucky is hesitant and his mind is still awash with guilt and with the worry that he may have stolen away Steve’s future. But Steve’s eyes are pleading with him, and Bucky has little in the way of resistance. “Okay,” he says. 

“Good.” Then, Steve’s mouth twitches into a smile. “Hey, I have something to show you.” His right hand, the one holding Bucky’s metal arm, falls away, but the other one slips down to clasp Bucky’s.. 

_ This is new _ , Bucky thinks. But he’s not complaining about it. Boneless, he allows Steve to pull him back in the direction of the time machine. Bucky stumbles along behind him, unable to wrench his eyes from or subdue his awe at their joint fingers. 

A few moments ago, Bucky hadn’t wanted to think about beautiful things. Now, he can’t help it. He’s wearing a stupid, silly grin that he can’t be bothered to suppress. The lake is shimmering and the sunlight shining through the leaves is casting pretty shadows on the green grass and he’s holding Steve’s hand and being pulled along back to a  _ time machine _ and it’s all so  _ beautiful _ . 

“Hurry up,” Steve says in his beautiful voice, and Bucky walks faster to fall into step beside him. Still, Steve does not let go of his hand. 

Bucky can see the time machine ahead of them. There’s Bruce, his large frame fiddling with the machine as he speaks to the other two people there. One, a man, and the other—no way. 

As Bucky and Steve approach, Sam and Natasha turn towards them.

Natasha’s hair glows like fire. Her smile is as bright as the sun, and it only grows brighter as her eyes fall upon Steve and Bucky’s entwined fingers. Bucky finds himself blushing and grinning more broadly than before. He releases Steve’s hand and walks ahead of him, arms raised to pull Natasha into a hug. 

She accepts him into her arms. He holds her tight against himself. She is smaller than him but she doesn’t feel weak or frail; she hugs him back with a strength that matches her character. When she pulls away, there are tears in her eyes but she is smiling. Water springs up, unbidden, in Bucky’s own eyes. 

From behind him, Steve pulls him to his chest, and the tears fall from Bucky’s eyes to his smiling lips. His head rests on Steve’s shoulder and he turns enough to work his arms around Steve’s waist. 

He breathes Steve in and out and ignores the smug smirk that Sam shoots at him.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, guys! I'll put up another part from Steve's perspective soon that'll have a little more romance. Comments and kudos are much appreciated!
> 
> Come say hi to me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/halcyonparker)!


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